Permission to panic

I have found myself thinking about birth a lot recently. Last week I was explaining to Bill that there was a moment during the birth of each of my three children when I totally “lost the plot.” I experienced a moment when if I could have changed my mind, I would have! As each contraction became more intense than the last one, I felt I could not bear one more but I couldn’t stop the process....I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t change my mind. I had no alternative but to experience more pain.

When I was pregnant with Faith, I found a wonderful private midwife called Dorothy and Faith was delivered at home into water. Dorothy explained to me there was a name for the point when I lost the plot....it was called the transition and very shortly after that point I would feel the urge to push and deliver the baby.

So why am I revisiting all of this now? Well three reasons. The first was a  passage I read in a recent World Puja Newsletter when Maureen Moss was describing the birth of her grandson.

“I haven't a full conception as to what really occurred in those moments of his entry, other than it was profoundly Divine in its nature, spanned many dimensions, and clarified without a doubt more than I had anticipated.”

I was struck for the first time by a real sense of what a miracle birth is and how I had never really appreciated it before. Although I have given birth three times I did not have any sense of wonder around the process....fear certainly, excitement possibly but never wonder and that made me rather sad.

The second was a beautiful film Carole Senogles sent through which I have re-posted on our Facebook page. It is of Thalasso baby bath and is delightful. I was though also struck by Caroles comment, “What would it take for all our beautiful babies to experience this after their birth into physicality?”

The third reason was listening to Kendall Summerhawk describing the fear she still experiences when taking a leap with her business. I have found this so reassuring. She explains how she has come to recognise the fear and feel it as confirmation that she is taking a leap and is about to experience a breakthrough. Making a leap means leaving behind old beliefs that are comfortable but no longer serve you. You have to be willing to see and feel things in a new way and there may well be a part of you that is not prepared to make that change. But this is growth. You are stepping into a new version of yourself.

It also reminded me of something Bob Geldorf said about organising Live Aid. Apparently he used to go to sleep at night with a pile of towels next to the bed because he would wake up in the night sweating with fear about what he had taken on.

I suspect that when I feel that fear I tend to pull back. When I was giving birth I couldn’t pull back, I had to move through the fear and this produced three beautiful babies. I wonder what else is waiting for me the other side of fear. Gas and air anyone....?